


What they lost

by Erizee



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: "&" means it's not shippy, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Friendship, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Sadness, They're sad and talk about what they lost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 11:24:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18827713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erizee/pseuds/Erizee
Summary: "What do you want, Stark?"Tony shrugged and filled his glass once again. "Thought I'd ask how you've been. Catch up with an old friend and all that."Now it was Steve's turn to raise his eyebrow. "Really."Tony touched his chest in mock-offense. "Is it so hard to believe I visit people? I do have friends too, you know."Steve shrugged, walking up to the table Tony was sitting at. "Just didn't think you'd still consider me one of them."





	What they lost

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this as soon as I came home from watching Infinity War, but I only finished it yesterday. Whoops.  
> Oh how I miss my 2017 productivity lol.  
> I wasn't sure if I should tag Major Character Death or not bc no one dies in this story but they talk about the deaths in the movie.   
> Anyway I hope you enjoy!

Everything was silent. No one said a thing. But then:

"Steve?"

He woke up, drenched in his own sweat.

Sitting up in his bed, Steve buried his hands in his hair and tried to calm his breathing.

These dreams were far from an unusual occurence.   
Every night the dust haunted his dreams.   
Some nights he would dream of their old apartment they used to live in before the war, other nights he was forced to fight his friend until he finally remembered him, just for him to disintegrate right in front of his eyes.   
And some nights, everything would be fine, they would eat together, laugh together and do all the things Steve had never dared to ask for.

The scenarios changed every time, but the end result was always the same: Brown dust, filling up his lungs, rendering him unable to breath, think or even cry.

Even now, weeks after it had happened, Steve still couldn't believe it. Could hardly think about it without wanting to throw up, let alone talk about it.   
Even just thinking his  _name_ hurt too much to bear.

Taking shaky breaths, Steve stood up, knowing trying to get any sleep now would be a fruitless endeavour.

The warm wood underneath his feet turned into cold tiles as he entered his kitchen.   
He pulled a chair out from the table and opened the fridge.

"Hey Cap."

"Jesus Fucking Christ!"  
Steve flinched and turned towards his left, fist raised, more or less ready to attack.

At his table, shoulders pulled up defensively, there sat Tony Stark. He waved dismissively and downed his full glass in one go.

Steve lowered his fist and blinked.   
"You.. why are you here? How did you even know where I am??"

Tony gave Steve a look over his tinted glasses, eyebrows raised almost up to his hairline.   
"I'm one of the smartest people on earth. Give me some credit."

Steve sighed and closed his fridge, flipping the light switch in the process.   
Tony groaned in pain as light flooded the room. "Was that really necessary?"

"What do you want, Stark?"  
Tony shrugged and filled his glass once again. "Thought I'd ask how you've been. Catch up with an old friend and all that."

Now it was Steve's turn to raise his eyebrow. "Really."  
Tony touched his chest in mock-offense. "Is it so hard to believe _I_ visit people? I do have friends too, you know."  
Steve shrugged, walking up to the table Tony was sitting at. "Just didn't think you'd still consider me one of them."

Tony laughed quietly and took another sip from his glass, gesturing Steve to sit across from him.   
After he complied, still confused about the situation, Tony filled up a second glass and pushed it towards Steve's general direction.

"I heard about Barnes."

Steve scoffed, trying to mask the way his stomach turned on itself.  
"You did, huh?"

Tony nodded solemnly and took another sip from his glass. A small part of Steve wondered where he had gotten all that alcohol from.  
"Came to offer you my condolences. Wasn't exactly a fan of the guy but I know you were, so."

Steve fought off the anger he felt building up and gave Tony a tight-lipped smile.   
"You hated him. For something he was forced to do. You even tried to kill him, for fucks sake. And now you show up here, in the middle of the night, to _offer your condolences_??"  
Steve's fist hit the table.   
"You don't know how this feels. To.. to see someone you.. you care about turn to dust in front of you. Someone you swore to protect. It's hell."   
Tony shook his head. "I know Steve, I-"  
Steve didn't let him finish. "You don't."

Tony was on his feet faster than Steve expected him to be.  
"Yes, I do! Do you think you're the only one who lost someone that day??  _Half of the entire world_ was murdered, and you think you're the only one who lost someone???"

Steve half expected Tony to hit him, but nothing of the sort happened. All Tony did was fall back into his chair and fill up another glass.

"I'm sorry, Tony. The past weeks have been-" "Hell, I know. Been there."  
Steve smiled slightly and took a sip from the glass Tony had offered him before.

"Do you.. want to talk about it?"   
Tony shrugged.  
After another half glass, he finally answered the question.

"His name was.. Peter. Peter Parker. He was at the airport, the spider guy, remember?"  
Steve nodded slowly.   
"Anyway, I... I gave him a new suit and gadgets and he caught a criminal for me and then he followed me onto that space donut and we fought Thanos and then.."

Tony took a deep breath. "The kid looked up to me. Always wanted my approval. And I started to care too, you know? Like, really care."  
Knowing where the story was headed, Steve placed his hand on top of Tony's arm, hoping to help him somehow.

"He.. he died in my arms. He knew he was dying and he knew I couldn't help him. Oh god, I couldn't help him. He desintegrated and I.."  
Tony couldn't say anything else. His throat felt too tight and he could feel his eyes prickling uncomfortably.

He ran his hands over his face and coughed.

Steve frowned. "I'm sorry, Tony, I had no idea."   
Tony shrugged once again and downed the rest of his glass.   
"Alcohol helps a lot. Not much against nightmares, but at least you don't blame yourself as much when you're completely shit-faced."

Shaking his head, Steve took the last bottles away and stashed them on top of his fridge.   
"Hey! I was drinking that!"  
"I'm pretty sure you shouldn't drink  _that_ much in one night."  
Tony grinned, but Steve could see it was forced. "This is nothing compared to what I drank the day after.." His grin fell. "You know."

After a few seconds of silence, Tony started talking again.  
"So, what about you?"   
Steve frowned. "What about me?"  
"Come on, I can't be the only one who unveils his innermost feelings here."

Steve shook his head and smiled sadly.   
"Well.. We fought Thanos too. I got knocked out at some point and when I woke up, Thor was there and then... "  
Now it was Steve's turn to wish he had something to drink. Preferably strong alcohol.

"He... he said my name. And I looked at him and.. then he was gone. Turned to dust. I thought he fell at first, but.. he was just.. gone."  
Steve swallowed hard. "You know, I.. I already lost him more than once. First to death, then to Hydra, lastly to his own mind. I just thought.. For once in his life, everything would be okay. And then he just.. died. For no reason. Turned to dust. And I lost him again."  
Steve pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to will his tears away.

"He was everything I had. Of course there's still the Avengers..." Neither of them said what they were both thinking:  _Half of the Avengers_ "...but he is... was... different."   
Steve forced himself to smile. "I've known him since we were little kids. We grew up together, went to war together. He was always there for me, even when no one else was. When I woke up in this century, I thought everyone I had ever known was dead. And then I found out he was still alive and..."   
Steve smiled sadly. "He was all I had left. That and so much more."

"You really loved the guy, huh?"

A single tear finally broke through Steve's defenses and made its way down his cheek, quickly followed by many others.  
He shrugged, but smiled sadly. "Am I that obvious?"   
Tony smiled and pat Steve's shoulder. "Don't worry about it. Even a blind guy could tell what he means to you."

He let go and looked down into his empty glass. "I know how you feel." Tony frowned. "Well, not exactly, but... I guess losing someone you love feels the same as losing a son, so.. I get it."

Steve stared at Tony. "Peter was your.."  
"Oh, no! Course not. Not really, I mean, not biologically. I don't know what it feels like to have a son but.. I guess he came as close to one as it gets. He was an obnoxious teenager that I never thought I'd want let alone be able to handle but still.. he was like a son to me."

They sat in silence a while longer. Steve tactfully ignored the red of Tony's eyes and his wet cheeks, while Tony did the same with him.

At some point during their mutual appreciation of the others' silence, Steve had handed over one last bottle, which him and Tony were now emptying.

It was Tony who broke the silence first.  
"What about the others?"

Steve gulped down the rest of his glass, hoping to no avail it would give him the buzz he needed.   
"Half of our team is gone. Sam, Wanda, Vision, T'challa. Most likely Fury and Agent Hill too."   
Tony nodded bitterly.  
"I don't know what I expected. Of course the snap randomly selected and killed half of our team too, of course we couldn't be lucky one damn time and not lose our friends. Of course." He made a motion as if to take his glass, realizing too late it was gone.

Steve shrugged. "I guess it could have been worse. We could have lost them all."   
Tony snorted, but Steve could tell it wasn't genuine. "That blind optimism is definitely not something I missed."

\--

Steve wasn't sure how much time had passed until the silence was broken again, this time by Tony's ringtone.

Tony groaned and picked up. Steve couldn't tell what whoever was on the other line said but it was clear it surprised Tony.

After Tony had hung up, Steve shot him a questioning look. "Everything alright?"   
Tony nodded absentmindedly and stood up, steadying himself with one hand to avoid falling.   
"It's all good. Just have to leave, that's all."

Steve too stood up, helping Tony to the door. Outside, a car was already waiting for him.

Steve watched Tony leave. Even though he knew the nightmares would be back as soon as he closed his eyes, he felt much more at peace than he had before Tony had stopped by.   
At least he still had a friend in this world full of dust and death.

Before he could stop himself, he called out.

"Tony?"

Tony turned around to face Steve.   
"Thanks for breaking into my apartment."   
Tony laughed quietly and shook his head. "Any time, buddy."

He walked towards the door of the clearly expensive car and opened it.   
Before he got in, he stopped.

One last time, Tony turned around and smiled sadly.   
"And just for the record: I do still consider you a friend."


End file.
